Greeting to 15 years old me, i am now turning 25 :)

 Hello my dear self,

who thought that we are an adult now,

we used to be a silly teenage girl who full of dreams,

but guess what?

you're 25 now, and all you ever wanted is to be at peace.

A lot of things happened and changes for these 10 whole years.

Bet you will never guess what had happened to you now,

I may not turned out to be like who you ever imagined, but I guess you won't ever get mad

or be disappointed,

Because you know we all did our best for us.

Do you remember in 2021, I came once to greet you.

I have a lot of bittersweet stories to tell you.

You are now at peace about the whole things between you and the person you once dream to have life together with,

You finally let go even the glimpse of hope you once carried everyday throughout your life,

I guess our shoulder is a bit lighter now, and I couldn't be more happier for us.

And just so you know,

we are actually in the midst of fighting our battle that we once thought would just take a slight time to vanish.

In March 2024, we're having the worst relapse that finally lead us to just..

"That's it. I'm done suppressing all these alone, I will get help, I have to do this for me."

Remember actually we once went to clinic on 2020 to check about our mental health.

We're struggling so much since 2019, everything just became so painful for us,

but being you, Hannah. You thought you could handle it all alone, that it all will be okay. This will pass, don't burden people. Just let things go. But along the way, you're falling apart in silence.

You isolate yourself alone, away from the world. Just sit alone in the dark doing your alone comfort things in your small room, that even people were begging for you to leave the tiny space. But you couldn't even understand why you did that. You just think, things hurt. A lot of things hurt. And I don't know how to erase it, what am I hurting for? What is this intense feeling of sadness in my chest? Your tiny world was just crumbling down, you don't even realize it. All you thought was, you're just being strong, you can handle it. 

The grieve of losing nenek was still fresh then. You just seem so lost since then, it actually left a big hole in you, because to you, nenek once is your whole world and in your heart, nenek is always number 1 for you. You just love her the most. But I guess, Allah knows better on which age to take her back to Him. 

Then, I guess our struggle is just us, having a lot of build-up anger, hurts, painful events that literally every single person going through that would not be just fine to simply let all those go. And being you, Hannah. People might see you as the hot-headed one, the strong one, the loudest one, yet they don't know what's actually hiding behind all those characters. It's just a heart, that was crying to be loved softly. To realize herself, that she is always worthy, even when people treat her like she's not. 

You were hurting a lot behind the closed door. You were crying yourself to sleep, you cried on SPM results day, when Maktam said "Adik did a very good job. Bayangkan Addmath yang susah tu boleh dapat B? Dan boleh jawab SPM walaupun nenek pergi 3 hari je sebelum SPM? You did great" I was sobbing in the car, I was sobbing on my bed at night thinking I might failed ibu ayah because I didn't do well enough just like I used to back then. 

You struggled a lot behind those closed door, every single seconds questioning your worth, and your heart just aches physically, you couldn't even understand why and how loving can did this to you.

"Am I not worthy?" "Why didn't he ever fight for me?" "Is she prettier, kinder?" "Is he actually just like him?" "Why was he like this?" "Didn't I deserve true love?" "Why everything he did just hurts me?" "Why can't I let him go?" "Would I forever be stuck like this?" "What does he did today, did she flirts with other girls again?" "Ya Allah, who is this girl?" why, why, and why.

Until everything just begin to.. destroying me slowly. I was filling my day everyday being a full of anxious girl, every single seconds trying to check whether today there's anything happened that could hurt me. My hand was just trembling badly, I am about to throw up just thinking about finding anything that would destroy me emotionally the whole day. Once, I was even crying for a whole week nonstop every time something that I found out just slipped randomly in my mind.

And as I struggle a lot with all those emotional turmoil, thinking I could rely to other people. They seem to.. added to it more. Remembering I was crying in bed, looking at the black bruise on my arms. Showering while crying with my arms and leg bruised. 

I guess those just, altered my mind into these belief that I really am not worthy. I'm worthless. I am hard to love. I am just unlovable. I blamed myself for everything, on why I couldn't be stronger and tougher like others. Why didn't I have that resilient.

You carried those aching in your heart for years.

Why am I sad? 

You slipped into being anxious, having episodes of anxiety attack but couldn't really know if that's anxiety because unfortunately, you didn't seek help back then in 2021. You just decide to just.. do it all alone. 

But on March 2024, everything just fully crumbling down. You couldn't pick yourself back to stand again from the start just like you always did before. And I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of us. We finally seek professional help.

We were diagnosed with MDD and anxiety on May 2024. 

But on today, specifically 7 Feb 2026, our last diagnosis written is MDD with Panic Attack. DDx: PTSD.

greeting 15 y/o hannah 3

greeting 15 y/o hannah 2

 You're 20 now, you know that?! who thought you could reach here, we will never know our life aite.

You must've been curious about someone you adore back then when you were just 15? ahaks. It was just a hopeless crush hannah, nothing serious about him. You couldn't even care less about him now. But you would've want to know what had happen, i guess?

You met someone other after that. WHO? Someone who has been a friend to you since 13, you're friend with him again when you're 17. You must have been curious enough about that. But yeah nope, it wasn't bound to last too. But you were happy too back then, told you. Thanks to him, he's the reason your last year of high school was brighter. Even it just for a short time.

What had happened?

you couldn't keep him long enough. you used to want having him for the rest of your life, but it's not as easier as that. He had his own journey too.

But you had try your best, you just couldn't do it anymore. Promise yourself you'll know better after this. 

How do you feel now?

you were thankful to him, and hoping the best for him too. Now it's just about you and your own self journey. You gotta focus on that.

You still have you.

greeting 15 y/o hannah

Hello bloggie! It has been so long since I last wrote in here, this blog is actually so precious to me, it has been there since 2015 I guess?

When things were so hard back then, this will be place where I will wrote so many things that I couldn't even explain to people. It was a very tough and lonely journey, but writing here make me felt so much better back then. Few people whose also a friend to me will know that i love blogging, writing and stuffs. It has been my kind of thing I guess?

Do you know dear? How I've actually been doing since then. I don't even wrote in here anymore after 2016. Well, maybe because back then we were already focusing too much on Instagram? There was 'Story' feature that can let us share things we wanted to share to people. I also tend to forget about this blog. Had I just kept writing then, maybe this blog will be the witness for my laugh and tears.

My whole life changed so much, it was such a.. i don't know indescribeable feeling, a very tough and hard path that i had to go through. But i was happy, at least i ever felt happy too before then.

Bloggie, I was so happy in 2018. I think among all of the years in my life, 2018 has the happiest version of me. But how would I know it will actually be the last? 

Stuffs begin to hit me like a truck. I lost my dear atuk, nenek. Yes. I lost nenek, you know right.. she's the person i would tell people I love her the most in this world? yes. To me, she was my number one. The kind of person that you always have them in the most special place in your heart. You don't have idea about that, right? You must have been flustered.

Sorry that it took too long to go back to you. It already been 3 years since they passed away. I remember crying in night class when someone asked me to pack my thing because my granny passed away. Allah, i felt like i could just faint right there. I was literally in disbelief, crying, persuading and forcing aimi & wardah to say that it's not her, i wasn't ready. 

You were so shocked back then, it was the thing you feared the most. Losing someone you loved while you're away from them. Both of them, you couldn't see them before their last breath..

But that night, little did i know it really wasn't her but atuk instead. I was more shocked still. I went up and look out for nenek. I broke down right after i saw her and straightly went to hug her. I was so scared, i was never ready to lost any of them.

but, nenek passed away too a month after. Just 3 days before SPM examination. wow, how strong are you lil hannah to bear everything life brought you. It was then everything starts to get rough.

The happiness faded. 

5 Penyebab Doa Tidak Dikabulkan Allah SWT

1.Kerana dosa yang dilakukan
   
2.Meminta sesuatu yang haram

3.Apa yang diminta tidak baik untuk diri sendiri.

4.Allah telah menyiapkan sesuatu yang lebih baik untuk kita di akhirat.

5.Doa ditunda oleh Allah dengan suatu alasan yang memberi kebaikan pada diri sendiri.

-lampuislam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXQz0yyxWfI

-buat Nad

Assalamualaikum,
jam dah lepas 12 malam,tarikh dah tepat 9 Jun,
maka genaplah 15 tahun seorang awek tercinta kesayangan gue yang bernama
Nurul Nadhira Alia bt. Arhandi!💞💕
aku takkan tulis kat blog ni pasal orang lain kalau orang tu tak special bagi aku ahaks 🙈
jadinya terharulah sebab kau salah satu manusia yang special bagi aku kuikui,
kita kenal dah boleh kira tiga tahun,
sebabnya aku kenal kau masa last year drjah 6,
kalau bukan sebab kau yang minta Syahirra id aku,mesti kita kenal lambat bukan huhu,
rancangan Allah tu indah haha :')
masa mula-mula memang aku tahu kau masuk SAB,
tapi pastu kau dapat MK,
hari kedua baru kau masuk MK,
masatu pagi2 form 1 kene pergi orientasi,
aku lambat aku bergegas turun tangga nak pergi dewan*msatu 1cl kt 2 pearl skrg
pastu masa turun tngga aku nampaklah seorang gadis ni cewah dia jalan menuju ke arah aku,
pastu tanya "kelas 1 crystal kat mana ek?"
aku pon tanpa sedar tu nad aku jawablah "kat atas yg first ni je",
pastu aku terus bla gi dewan,
otw gi dewan baru aku sedar
"eh tu nad ke siaa eh bapak dia"
hahaha baru sedar sebab biasalah hana ni seorang yg lambat pickup :'3
pstu kau diam sgt kat kelas,
tapi kat wechat aku kau jia macam orang gila,
sama sama suka mnggila kuikui,
sampailah aku dan kau duduk asrama yang masatu asrama baru buka pada tarikh 1 Mac 2014 haha terer kan aku ingat :F
kita prep malam semeja satu haritu,
aku rasa masetulah baru aku dengan kau dah selesa dah kamceng bagai,
friendship aku dengan kau banyak turun dan naiknya kan :')
tak lama lepastu port kat vending machine tercetusnya pergaduhan antara kau dan aku,
masatu tak ingat kita dah geng dgn alia ain ke belom,
tapi kita gaduh dan kau nangis huhu,
aku jalan melulu terus ke depan,
kak fadiah dgn kak afiqah*rindu:(* pujuk kau,
pastu beberapa hari tu tak ingat ah bape hari tapi rasanya tak lama pon kan,
aku dengan kau dah berbaik,
tapi kita simpan dendam masing2,
banyak kali aku gaduh dengan kau nad,
antara geng kita aku kau alia ain nurin dulu,
aku dengan kau paling banyak gaduh kan :')
lagi2 time flopo,
kenangan weh,
bila ingat balik takpe ni jadi pengajaran untuk aku dan ni juga indahkan lagi friendship aku ngan kau haha,
kau banyak tak puas hati dengan aku,
aku pon sama masetu haha,
lepastu satu haritu cikgu Noraza tukar tempat duduk semua 1 Cl,
aku dengan kau kena duduk semeja,
kita duduk depan2,
masatu ya Allah bencinya aku,
aku tak suka sangat dengan kau padahal kita kawan baik haha :')
dan aku tahu masatu kau pon tak suka kat aku hewhew,
kita mula baik betul2 bila ditakdirkan kehadiran shahrul ke meja kita do -,-,
aku nangis masatu sbb dia kena duduk sebelah aku hahahahhahahahaa,
so mummy*ckgu* pindahkan aku duduk sebelah kau,
start tulah aku dengan kau dah baik sebaik-baiknya,
aku rasa kita dah tak gaduh ataupun kurang gaduh tahlah tak ingt,
kau lah deskmate,kau lah dormmate,kau lah bedmate semua kau masatu,
kita dorm 13 sama2 aku kau alia ain dan empat yg lain yg malas aku nak sebut wkwk,
kita solat sama sama,
kita gurau sama sama,
kita gila sama sama,
kita takut sama sama,
kita tidur sama sama,
kita pernah mandi berempat sama sama hahaha,
banyak kenangan aku dengan kau,
walaupun banyak kenangan pahit aku dgn kau,
tapi kau jugalah yang aku sayang :')
ingat ak aku jatuh slow motion masa kat dorm 13 ? hahaha
leher aku terkehel sebab kena banting dengan ain kat bilik judo,kau gelak macam orang gila sampai aku yang nak nangis pon tak jadi nak nangis hahaha,
tu antara yang paling aku ingatlah haha,
tahun ni,
masa awal tahun tu,
aku rasa macam aku dengan kau dah makin renggang,
risau jangan cakaplah,
aku risau beb,
tapi tak tahu lah kau risau ke tak :')
aku doa janganlah aku renggang dengan kawan kawan sibs yang aku sayang semua ni,
lepastu ditakdirkan dorm 20 21 kena kosongkan,
aku mula2 dapat 16 pastu 18 pastu akhirnya aku dapat 19 iaitu dorm kau,
aku takut masatu,
aku risau kau tak suka :(
Alhamdulillah ada hikmahnya aku masuk dorm tu hm :')
kau kelakar,
salah satu orang yang selalu hiburkan hari aku walaupun kau selalu sangat takutkan aku sampai aku terduduk sampai aku dah nak terjatuh sebab lari dari kau hahaha,
beria kau tulah yang buat aku gelak kadang,
jalan laju kau yang macam robot hahaha,
ketawa kau yang comel tu ahaaha,
rindu beb kalau takde semua tu :')
kau yang garangggg
kau yang ganasss yang buatkan aku takut kadang kadang dekat dgn kau hahahaa,
aku harap sangat kau berjaya beb,
aku harap aku kau dengan sibs lain berjaya pt3 ni,
aku taknak pindah sebab aku taknak tinggalkan kau dengan yang lain beb :')
aku harap sangat friendship kita kekal sampai syurga,
tknk kekal sampai akhir hayat je :')
nak lepak sama sama kat syurga,
cerita semua kenangan prsahabatan kita kat dunia dulu :')
kalau listkan orang2 yang aku sanggup  pertahankan prsahabatan aku dgn dia,
kau salah satunya do :')
kalau ada papehal roger aku,insyaAllah aku boleh tolong :')
kalau kau ada masalah cerita dekat aku kalau sudi,insyaAllah aku boleh dengar :')
aku minta maaf kalau aku bukan kawan kau yang baik,
sayang kau :')😘

love,
HANA.

Form 1

 

Form 2

50 tanda-tanda orang munafik.

50 tanda tanda orang munafik.

1.Malas beribadah kepada Allah SWT

2.Lupa kepada Allah SWT

3.Melalaikan solat fardhu

4.Mempercepat mengerjakan solat

5.Gemar meninggalkan solat berjemaah

6.Meninggalkan solat Jumaat

7.Menyuruh yang mungkar dan melarang yang makruf

8.Melakukan dosa dan kemungkaran secara sembunyi

9.Menyembunyikan ilmu pengetahuan

10.Riak

11.Hasad dengki

12.Dusta

13.Mungkir janji

14.Bakhil

15.Fitnah

16.Mencaci maki

17.Mengumpat

18.Mengungkit kembali pemberian kepada seseorang dan menyakiti hatinya

19.Mengingkari takdir Allah

20.Mempersenda kesucian agama.

21.Enggan berjihad di jalan Allah SWT

22.Menghina sahabat Rasullullah SAW

23.Menyembunyikan persaksian pada jalan yang benar

24.Menangguh pembayaran hutang

25.Menipu dalam jual beli

26.Ghasab(mengambil sesuatu secara zalim)

27.Bergaul dengan orang yang memperolok Al-Quran

28.Memakan harta anak yatim

29.Membuka rahsia orang lain

30.Berasa aman daripada murka Allah apabila melakukan dosa

31.Memanggil orang dengan gelaran buruk yang tidak disukai

32.Menghalang orang daripada mengamalkan ajaran Islam

33.Suka kepada kesesatan dan suka menyesatkan orang

34.Bermuka-muka

35.Menyanjung dan memuji orang tanpa diketahui keadaan sebenarnya

36.Sombong diantara sesama manusia

37.Melampaui batas yang telah digariskan oleh Allah

38.Suka berbantah dan bertengkar sesama Muslim

39.Berputus asa dalam menghadapi cabaran hidup

40.Membazir dalam memanfaatkan nikmat Allah

41.Keluh kesah apabila ditimpa musibah

42.Mengkhianati sesuatu amanah

43.Memutuskan silaturrahim

44.Memecah belahkan perpaduan kaum muslimin

45.Menghalalkan perkara yang haram

46.Membuat kerosakan di muka bumi

47.Menuduh orang beriman bodoh

48.Mengubah dan menyalahguna ayat-ayat Allah

49.Bersumpah dengan selain nama Allah SWT

50.Berasa gembira apabila musibah menimpa orang beriman