Greeting to 15 years old me, i am now turning 25 :)

 Hello my dear self,

who thought that we are an adult now,

we used to be a silly teenage girl who full of dreams,

but guess what?

you're 25 now, and all you ever wanted is to be at peace.

A lot of things happened and changes for these 10 whole years.

Bet you will never guess what had happened to you now,

I may not turned out to be like who you ever imagined, but I guess you won't ever get mad

or be disappointed,

Because you know we all did our best for us.

Do you remember in 2021, I came once to greet you.

I have a lot of bittersweet stories to tell you.

You are now at peace about the whole things between you and the person you once dream to have life together with,

You finally let go even the glimpse of hope you once carried everyday throughout your life,

I guess our shoulder is a bit lighter now, and I couldn't be more happier for us.

And just so you know,

we are actually in the midst of fighting our battle that we once thought would just take a slight time to vanish.

In March 2024, we're having the worst relapse that finally lead us to just..

"That's it. I'm done suppressing all these alone, I will get help, I have to do this for me."

Remember actually we once went to clinic on 2020 to check about our mental health.

We're struggling so much since 2019, everything just became so painful for us,

but being you, Hannah. You thought you could handle it all alone, that it all will be okay. This will pass, don't burden people. Just let things go. But along the way, you're falling apart in silence.

You isolate yourself alone, away from the world. Just sit alone in the dark doing your alone comfort things in your small room, that even people were begging for you to leave the tiny space. But you couldn't even understand why you did that. You just think, things hurt. A lot of things hurt. And I don't know how to erase it, what am I hurting for? What is this intense feeling of sadness in my chest? Your tiny world was just crumbling down, you don't even realize it. All you thought was, you're just being strong, you can handle it. 

The grieve of losing nenek was still fresh then. You just seem so lost since then, it actually left a big hole in you, because to you, nenek once is your whole world and in your heart, nenek is always number 1 for you. You just love her the most. But I guess, Allah knows better on which age to take her back to Him. 

Then, I guess our struggle is just us, having a lot of build-up anger, hurts, painful events that literally every single person going through that would not be just fine to simply let all those go. And being you, Hannah. People might see you as the hot-headed one, the strong one, the loudest one, yet they don't know what's actually hiding behind all those characters. It's just a heart, that was crying to be loved softly. To realize herself, that she is always worthy, even when people treat her like she's not. 

You were hurting a lot behind the closed door. You were crying yourself to sleep, you cried on SPM results day, when Maktam said "Adik did a very good job. Bayangkan Addmath yang susah tu boleh dapat B? Dan boleh jawab SPM walaupun nenek pergi 3 hari je sebelum SPM? You did great" I was sobbing in the car, I was sobbing on my bed at night thinking I might failed ibu ayah because I didn't do well enough just like I used to back then. 

You struggled a lot behind those closed door, every single seconds questioning your worth, and your heart just aches physically, you couldn't even understand why and how loving can did this to you.

"Am I not worthy?" "Why didn't he ever fight for me?" "Is she prettier, kinder?" "Is he actually just like him?" "Why was he like this?" "Didn't I deserve true love?" "Why everything he did just hurts me?" "Why can't I let him go?" "Would I forever be stuck like this?" "What does he did today, did she flirts with other girls again?" "Ya Allah, who is this girl?" why, why, and why.

Until everything just begin to.. destroying me slowly. I was filling my day everyday being a full of anxious girl, every single seconds trying to check whether today there's anything happened that could hurt me. My hand was just trembling badly, I am about to throw up just thinking about finding anything that would destroy me emotionally the whole day. Once, I was even crying for a whole week nonstop every time something that I found out just slipped randomly in my mind.

And as I struggle a lot with all those emotional turmoil, thinking I could rely to other people. They seem to.. added to it more. Remembering I was crying in bed, looking at the black bruise on my arms. Showering while crying with my arms and leg bruised. 

I guess those just, altered my mind into these belief that I really am not worthy. I'm worthless. I am hard to love. I am just unlovable. I blamed myself for everything, on why I couldn't be stronger and tougher like others. Why didn't I have that resilient.

You carried those aching in your heart for years.

Why am I sad? 

You slipped into being anxious, having episodes of anxiety attack but couldn't really know if that's anxiety because unfortunately, you didn't seek help back then in 2021. You just decide to just.. do it all alone. 

But on March 2024, everything just fully crumbling down. You couldn't pick yourself back to stand again from the start just like you always did before. And I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of us. We finally seek professional help.

We were diagnosed with MDD and anxiety on May 2024. 

But on today, specifically 7 Feb 2026, our last diagnosis written is MDD with Panic Attack. DDx: PTSD.